Friday, 20 October 2017

I'm Whole Again!!!

I'm whole again!

I'm not going to update this blog anymore, I will keep endeavouring to grow, learn and develop, but I've got all of the weapons I need. I'm going out there to fight!!!

If you found any of my meandering thoughts in anyway useful, then it was a useful exercise.



Saturday, 5 August 2017

Desert Island Poems - part II

The point of poetry is, as I see it, to convey emotion. The rhythm of the verse, as well the words, is more powerful than prose. 

The three poems that are on my list, so far, do a good job summing up some of my values and beliefs. Other people may not get the meaning that lies behind the poems, or they derive a different meaning entirely. I’m fine with that. I’m more than fine with it.

It’s sort of a secret code, if you haven’t been through that experience, you haven’t felt that emotion, to that intensity, you won’t get it, you’re blind to it.
And that’s the point of the exercise; I’m continuing my development of self-awareness, understanding my values and beliefs by exploring poems to see they seem to chime with anything inside of me. 

The first of the list is Ithaka by C. P. Cavafy. I first discovered this poem just over 11 years ago, leaving my career of 20 years in the NHS as a nurse. That was a bit scary, going to a job in a business that wasn’t even remotely connected to health care was a leap into the unknown. The theme of the poem centres on growth, learning and stuff. The more I experience, the more I draw from the verse.

The second, If by Kipling, I’ve known about it for probably my whole life, but I’ve only really grasped the true meaning, it’s all about values, and the values that I want to aspire to. If you ignore the criticism levelled at it today, I found so much strength it those lines, written over a hundred years ago, whilst recovering from my stroke. If you can meet with triumph and disaster, and treat those two imposters the same, helped me to cope with the ups and downs of stroke recovery, helped me to me grounded and ‘be in the moment’.

Lastly, This be the Verse by Philip Larkin. Hmmh, this one is a bit of a dark one….. Again, it deals this the very core of what it means to be human, beliefs. The central theme is just unconsciously adopting beliefs instead truths and then passing them onto the younger generation, positive or negative, usually negative....

I want to find the other three poems...

Friday, 4 August 2017

Desert Island Poems

I've been bad....

I haven't wrote anything in a while.

Life got in the way.....

That's a good thing 😁

I've been focusing on my life, instead of blogging.

However, I'm working on my Desert Island Poems, 6 poems that capture my values and beliefs.

Stay tuned......

Saturday, 3 June 2017


As you set out for Ithaka
hope the voyage is a long one,
full of adventure, full of discovery.
Laistrygonians and Cyclops,
angry Poseidon—don’t be afraid of them:
you’ll never find things like that on your way
as long as you keep your thoughts raised high,
as long as a rare excitement
stirs your spirit and your body.
Laistrygonians and Cyclops,
wild Poseidon—you won’t encounter them
unless you bring them along inside your soul,
unless your soul sets them up in front of you.
Hope the voyage is a long one.
May there be many a summer morning when,
with what pleasure, what joy,
you come into harbors seen for the first time;
may you stop at Phoenician trading stations
to buy fine things,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
sensual perfume of every kind—
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
and may you visit many Egyptian cities
to gather stores of knowledge from their scholars.
Keep Ithaka always in your mind.
Arriving there is what you are destined for.
But do not hurry the journey at all.
Better if it lasts for years,
so you are old by the time you reach the island,
wealthy with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.
Ithaka gave you the marvelous journey.
Without her you would not have set out.
She has nothing left to give you now.
And if you find her poor, Ithaka won’t have fooled you.
Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,
you will have understood by then what these Ithakas mean. 

C.P. Cavafy

Wednesday, 15 March 2017

Poetry Wednesday - This Be The Verse

This Be The Verse
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.   
    They may not mean to, but they do.   
They fill you with the faults they had
    And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
    By fools in old-style hats and coats,   
Who half the time were soppy-stern
    And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
    It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
    And don’t have any kids yourself.

by Phillip Larkin

Sunday, 12 March 2017

We've all got choices.....

Sometimes I have choices, on one hand, I want to wallow in self-pity, on the other, I want take control, even if I can only control my emotions.

Sometimes I feel that I have no choices at all. That isn't true, I've always got choices.

I find focussing on my goals is helpful. It gives me direction and something to aim for. What do I want? In life? Today,? At work?

And then what resources do I have? What allies?

I've given up on focussing on what I don't want to achieve, what I don't have, people who disract me.

This single mindedness isn't everybody's cup of tea, stripping away the emotions allows me to focus on what I want to get done. I realise that some people need (choose) to focus on the emotions (their emotional needs) as opposed to getting the thing done.

That's why I choose to associate with positive people, people who inspire me, challenge me or people who encourage me.

Emotional choice? Can someone choose how they feel? I believe so, yes.

We are made up of our beliefs and our values, things that we know to be true, the lessons that were taught to us in our formative years.

Our emotions stem from our beliefs and values. The situation, the circumstances, the people that we find ourselves in or surrounded by, all elicit an emotional response within us. What if we can reflect on our values and beliefs? What if we can reflect on our emotions and what prompts us to feel the way that we do?

What if we could then minimise the negative emotions? We then have more choices.

Sometimes, I lay in bed, not looking forward to the struggle before me (It was a lot worse in the early days of my recovery!!!!). I have a couple of choices in front of me. Stay in bed, get up and moan about everything and how hard everything is...... or gird my loins, stick a smile on my face and sing a song in my heart! Sometimes habits help me choose, I've taken to listening to my favourite music in my car on the way to work, instead the Today program on Radio 4, frankly, I'm at least 1% more cheerful when I get to the office. The clothes I wear, how many cars I flash to let them out I front of me, I smile and say "Good morning". They are all choices. Taken in the right mind-set to achieve what I want achieve today.

Sometimes I need to adopt a different mind-set, a different 'mask' if you like, different 'emotions', (or 'behaviours'.....) to get stuff done. Sometimes people don't like that, the behaviour, the perceived inauthenticity, the single-mindedness. And there's a danger, when you've put a mask on, can you take it off? Or have you forgotten the real you?

Thinking yourself into positive state will help you to achieve things. But it's hard. Achieving things is hard, otherwise everybody would achieving things everyday.

Can you be 1% more positive today than you were yesterday?

Sunday, 5 March 2017

It's just flu....... - part III

So, my aortic valve replacement, the aneurysm repair and the ensuing stroke. It could be worse, I could be dead or long disabled. And yet I feel resentful. I'm just frustrated with what I haven't got :-(  

 It's just the grieving process.

Me and Tracey have a fairly good life, we enjoy our lives where we can. When Tracey came home and it was clear that she was going to make a full recovery, I was determined to have a life filled with love and beauty. Not shallow, facile surface-deep beauty, but beauty that shines from within. Love that is constant and unconditional. Life is to short to have things in it that are neither beautiful or held together with love.

And I think that my uncompromising honesty and intolerance comes from, it looks a bit like being grumpy or curmudgeonly (Tracey thinks that I am grumpy and curmudgeonly.....) I try to adopt the "I'm OK, you're OK" state (life position) and it's hard to do maintain all of the time.

My recovery isn't over yet, I still want my hand to regain more sensation, I want to develop more strength in my affected leg. I want my energy to increase to a level that I can do everything that I want to do (realistically) and I want my speech to improve to the level that I can tell ghost stories to crowded pub.

If I can get half-way there, I'll be a happy man. And I know that some people who are reading this may think that I should think myself lucky and you're probably right.

The end

.......  for now......