Friday, 13 January 2017

Being present.....

I started writing this in my lunch break on Thursday, I'm not sure what the theme is, but I feel a bit frustrated :-|

I'm roughly 20 months post stroke and a year ago I would've given anything to be where I am today. But I want more! I know that I should grateful, lot's of people haven't got what I've got, stroke or not.

Maybe that's the conundrum..... my drive for getting better is a double-edged sword, the route of my frustrations.

My frustrations are ....

1. My right hip and lower back.
2. The decreased of dexterity and sensation in my right hand.
3. My speech and accompanying aphasia (or the other way round....)
4. The fatigue.

1. The pain in my right hip is always there. It doesn't stop me from doing anything, really. Although when I'm training it makes me a bit slow. The pain saps ones energy and increases the fatigue. I was doing exercises twice a day but I stopped them over Xmas as I was intense pain and discomfort (no training over Xmas), and surprisingly, the pain decreased ...... I'm still doing stretching exercises. Since going back to training, my right shoulder is in pain....   :-(

2. My dexterity seems to have got worse. I'm not sure that it has...... but I feel that I've taken a backwards step. However, my sensation seems to be .... more sensational.....  I'm reasoning that the returning sensation is heightening the sense of clumsiness and klutziness. I also haven't painted for a week, maybe that's a factor as well.......

3. My speech is better, I want it to be more fluid and faster. And to think about other threads whilst coaching.

4. I'm really, really frustrated with levels of fatigue. I got got home from work yesterday at 6pm, got changed and put my feet up for an  hour and then I did some modelling (an awesome church that Tracey got me for Christmas) for an hour and then watched teĺly with Tracey and that was that....... I feel that I want and need to do more. My energy levels can't keep up with my daily goals, so I feel unfulfilled and frustrated.

Now that I've got that off my chest, time for a bit of perspective.....

20 months ago it was a different story.

1. I needed help to transfer from the bed to the chair or wheelchair. I needed pillows in the bed to keep safe, confident and comfortable. I could barely stand, let alone walk.

2. Dexterity, don't make me laugh. My right hand would stay where I put it (using my left hand) it was a piece of useless meat. Sensation, what sensation?

3. Speech? A stream of guttural noises. Reflecting back on this as I type, it brings a tear to my eye. Verbal communication is what separates us from beasts, and that is how I felt. :-(

4. My head was so full of fog, I felt semi-conscious at best. Even thinking wore me out.

Those first 3 weeks in hospital seems a blur to me now. I was so determined to get home, doing the the stairs with the physiotherapists took on an almost mythic proportions, like Frodo casting the One True Ring down into the Crack of Doom.

Once I got home, more work. Exercises, three times a day; physio, OT and speech as well as sessions with the respective visiting therapists, and some exercises of my own devising.

Now that I compare the present and the past, it doesn't seem that bad now......

You can't change the past.

The future? That's up to me, based on what I do in the here and now, being in the present.

Being present.

No comments:

Post a Comment